That's why every home (and classroom) needs a “cozy corner” or a “comfort corner” where children can retreat to calm down. And over time, your child is capable of learning to calm herself. The cozy cornerīut there are times when you can't take that time with your child. That simply means that you stay with your child and help them calm down by loving them through their upset. That's why I recommend using “time-in” when children get upset. (In fact, teens whose parents stay calm when they're upset develop better vagal tone, which means they learn to calm themselves faster.) This starts in infancy, but kids are still learning it into the preschool years, and beyond. Experts call this "co-regulation." That just means that the child learns to self-regulate when the parent is self-regulated, and the parent helps the child feel safe, seen, soothed, understood. So, you can see that when kids get dysregulated, they need a calm, warm adult to soothe them and help them feel safe. If your focus is, understandably, just on getting through the rest of the day - loving your child through the upsetting spells builds trust and strengthens your relationship with them, so they're more cooperative. So every time you soothe your child and help them feel safe and understood, you're helping them build a brain and nervous system that will allow them to calm themselves in the face of upset and adversity for the rest of their life. That's the beginning of resilience, the ability to bounce back. Your child begins to develop a "vagal tone," which means that the vagus nerve becomes more effective in calming the child's emotions when they're upset. Every time you soothe your upset child, their body releases soothing hormones and neurotransmitters, which strengthen those self-soothing neural networks. It helps your child build the neural circuits to calm themselves more readily. This approach of soothing your upset child isn't just a psychological learning. And that's the foundation of what we call “EQ,” or Emotional Intelligence. This approach is the foundation for your child accepting and then learning to manage their emotions. Then, after they're calmer, support them to solve whatever problem they're having. Give them the message that they're safe, that you love them even when they're upset, that you want to help them through this moment. If you want to teach your child more constructive ways to self-regulate, start by offering calm understanding when they show you those big emotions. That's when we adults have our own little temper tantrums. They're easily triggered - and then they explode. But stuffed emotions don't stay stuffed - they're always bubbling up to get healed. So, we still use food or screens to stuff them. That's because most of us learned that our feelings were unacceptable, and we worked hard to repress them. Indeed, most adults aren't exactly constructive in how they express emotions. What you really want is for them to learn that emotions are just part of being human, that they can notice and accept them - and learn to express them in constructive ways. But that's giving them the message that their emotions are shameful - not allowed in your house. You might be inclined to put your kid in their room until they can calm down. They lash out and hit someone, or throw themselves on the floor and howl. Often the connection and the shift to their “thinking brain” will help your child re-regulate.īut sometimes your child is too far gone for a book. When you realize that your child is getting to that dangerously overwrought place, suggest that the two of you take some “cozy time” - snuggle up and read a book. Sometimes, despite your best efforts to express understanding, your child gets emotionally dysregulated.
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